Mitigate Your Relationship “In Richer and in Poorer” (Prepare for Marriage and Divorce)
Based on professional training, with a Master’s Degree in Marriage, Family and Child Counseling and a Bachelor’s Degree in Organizational Communication, but most importantly, serving the Creator as a teacher of Scriptures, and as a wife and a mother, I share with you how to mitigate both marriage and divorce so that you can mutually design your future relationship. And, I’ll share some personal experiences of what can happen when it is not done this way.
When I was in counseling school, I learned that a woman would only be happy with a man who could keep her at least at the level of comfort that her parents had kept her. And, if it was below that, she would not respect him. I suspect there’s some truth to that. I did not grow up with my dad in my life. My mom raised me. And, I agree with her that she did a great job.
But, a mom cannot be a dad. And, there was a definite void I felt.
I met my dad later in life. And, unfortunately my dad did not match up to my needs in a father, in a lot of ways. But, in some of the most important ways, and the needs I had as an adult child, he did. After meeting my father, I felt that my dad was not successful in life, as most define success. He was virtually homeless before he met his last wife. I got to know him a little, meeting him, in the last few years of his life.
My mom was always very independent, and raised three girls by herself, while working two different careers. She was independent, and she raised three independent latch-key daughters. None of us drink, smoke or do drugs…. All of us have a strong work ethic, and a strong sense of responsibility and duty for our families.
My dad never had any provisions to give to his daughters (of which I am aware), and he did not know his grandchildren.
Maybe he wasn’t cut out to be a dad…. But, he served his country, and I grew up with my mom, right where it was best for me to grow up.
It seemed to me that my dad was a loner/didn’t seem to fit in (a sure sign of Ephraim/10 lost tribes). My dad told me his family was from the tribe of MeNaSheH (aka from the tribe of Joseph’s son, Menasseh). And, He did return to YaHuWaH. And, he did receive YaHuWaH’s calendar and ShaBaT, and kept the feasts. And, he did take a liking to Eriktology, and sent me some of Eriktology dvd’s.
I grew to love him as an adult daughter who found herself to be an observer with compassion, and I forgave him for not being the dad in my life that I really needed (as I had not had one).
After about four years of meeting my dad, he died. I got all his bibles and study books when he died, and he had bought a Berkey water filter for me that I still have. His wife sent me some funds my dad wanted me to have, and things that were special to him.
It is quite therapeutic for me to be around Jonathan Matthew Wright, my husband, and to see what a great dad looks like. He adopted the six of our children that moved to Hawaii with us. With regard to Jonathan’s biological children, Bailey Wright, Casey Wright, and Nolan Wright, I pray wherever there is restoration to be done, and as YaHuWaH would sanction it, it is done. HaLeLuW YaH that we all have a wonderful AB in ShaMahiYM (aka ‘heaven’), YaHuWaH who loves us so much and watches over those children of His that He gave us to raise!!
Compared to how MOST loving parents’ hearts operate, it seems to me children just seem to act so individualistic (rather than being team-focused), are often self-centered and self-absorbed.
But, for parents, it’s kind of tough to let them go.
Parents pine for their children to be near, so that they can love them and guide them and give to them and share with them and enjoy them. All I can say, believers, is love fully whoever YaHuWaH brings into your lives to love.
But, I want to share some very vital advice…. choose very wisely who you marry. There needs to be a serious doctorate of training on that one…
Questions for the Betrothed Couple Intending to Marry:
Do one or both of you intend to serve YaHuWaH or SELF or the world?
Do you both want children?
Will you train up your children according to the full truth of the Scriptures, or are you just gonna read a few verses in the ‘new testament,’ and hope that’s good enough?
Will you keep YaHuWaH’s feasts? or the pagan traditions you were probably brought up with?
Do you want YaHuWaH’s blessings or the curses on your life? (Those are found in Deuteronomy 28 and Leviticus 26.)
Will you both eat kosher foods (Leviticus 11)?
Will you keep YaHuWaH’s calendar or man’s calendar?
Will you keep ShaBaT or work on it?
Will you vaccinate your children or obey YaHuWaH’s Word for your health and healing?
Will pornography be forbidden in your home?
Is ‘social’ drinking one night every week with one’s friends (and without spouse) okay?
Do either of you wear a mask six days out of the week to fit in with the world, or will you be the same person every day?
How will you handle resolving conflict? the scriptural way? or the ‘me’ way?
Will the children be homeschooled, or government-educated?
Here’s a really tough question:
If you do marry…. in one, two, five, ten, fifteen, or twenty years from now… will you end up in divorce?
Here’s some advice and counsel… This isn’t the kind of counsel you just read and nod your head, and politely move on by. This is the kind of counsel you listen to, as if your very liberty and happiness depended on it…. as if you were detonating a bomb with a timer ticking away, and you don’t know what kind of time is set on it…. So, now that you are prepared to read it and ACT ON IT, HERE IT IS:
Agree to the terms of the divorce before you ever marry. Before you each say “I Do” to each other, tell each other what should happen to you when and if you ever decide, “I Don’t Anymore.”
Before that covenant/commitment/marriage/getting hitched…. whatever you want to call it and think about it…. before you call the wedding planner… before you order the cake…. before you rent the reception hall…. before you say “I DO,” work out the details, should either of you break the covenant you have decided to enter.
While you are in love, and not enemies, lovingly work out any dissolution, and make it so that it is a binding agreement…. Something like (and this is just an approximation… you could work it out as to how you see it as fair, while you are still in love):
Here’s a Place to Start:
“This is a lifelong covenant marriage. And we each promise to love each other and to serve each other as long as we both shall live… in richness and in poorness… in sickness and in health…. in good times and in bad…. (etc.) However, should one of us decide he or she is no longer willing to love the other, and withdraws from this lifelong covenant of marriage, he or she will pay ____ % of his/her income to the other which he/she is abandoning for alimony [for however long is fair], and ____ % of his/her income for the children in the marriage he/she is abandoning. He/she will be entitled to at least 20% of the children’s free time to have the children live with them, whether living in the state or in another state. He/she may always remain in the children’s lives, provided there is no severe abuse of the children, documented by objective witnesses. The abandoned spouse will have the children up to 80% of their free time. The parent pays for the children while the children stay with the parent. No child support goes back and forth.” (Remember, we’re really trying to keep this marriage together…. But, these are the terms I am suggesting. You can write whatever you both agree to.)
“Unless there is hard evidence that one parent’s relationship with the child or children is egregiously damaging and evil, no parent shall keep the child from speaking with or visiting the child, and shall make no court request to cause this barring of relationship to happen. Both parents, though the love has been broken and destroyed between them, will agree to support each other as the parent of their joint children.
“Should any children be born during the time of this marriage due to infidelity of either the mother or the father, the other spouse will have no financial responsibility for the child not a product of the marriage partners.
“The wife pays for her student loans; the husband pays for his student loans. The wife pays for her debts after a separation; the husband pays for his debts after a separation.
‘The wife gets her car… The husband gets his car. Both takes care of their own car’s repairs and expenses. The home is sold, if one cannot afford to keep the home. The one abandoning the relationship forfeits the home and all personal items that keep the family going, i.e., pots and pans, sheets, towels, decorations on the walls, but may have a copy of family portraits of children and abandoning parent made. If the abandoning parent (identified as the one who wants to leave the marriage) has hobby stuff personal to him or her, he may take those things.
“However, if that is something large, like a fishing boat, or a timeshare, he/she must make sure spouse is paid for half of the value it was purchased at and/or take over the loan or otherwise make equitable provisions for these type items, should one abandon the marriage covenant. (Work out the details, specifically, or it may be forfeited to the abandoned spouse)…. Continue the divisions. The abandoning spouse forfeits family pets to the abandoned spouse.
“If there is any life insurance or pension plan prior to the marriage, as long as there are biological minor children to care for, the spouse cannot be removed as a beneficiary unless the spouse agrees to be removed as a beneficiary.”
“If one spouse or both spouses abuse each other, these are how those terms are to be amended…. (and make those changes accordingly). HOWEVER…. there must be STRONG, OVERPOWERING evidence and multiple witness testimonies, corroborating truthful evidence and witnessed by friends and loved ones including family members on both sides that become fully aware of abuse, in order that it can be corroborated by WITNESSES. Those witnesses cannot include police unless abuse is SEVERE.
“Police are never to be called unless severe abuse has taken place and in those cases, family members and loved ones are to be immediately made aware of the abuse first, so that they are eye witnesses and/or ear witnesses. At no time is one parent to be denied access to the children unless the children have been abused and the resulting abuse has been witnessed by seven family and friends, enough to produce overwhelming objective evidence of truthful facts.”
“Grandparents are to be given frequent access to their grandchildren for visits (including air travel on commercial airlines with no-stop flights, for any child over 9 years old once a year, at grandparents’ expense).”
THROW A PRE-NUPTIAL DINNER PARTY!!
If you have friends who have gone through a divorce, invite them over for dinner, and tell them you need their help in designing your own pre-nuptial agreement. Solicit their help, so you can make this very thorough, and as pleasant as possible.
DOCUMENT THIS WITH WITNESSES!!
Leave places for witnesses to sign, and make sure you have family members from both sides to be among your LIST of witnesses. Your witnesses should be people who should expect to be in your lives in twenty years.
Also, have a notary public witness both future spouses’ signatures of agreement.
This may sound harsh, and it might even sound unscriptural. However, we are trying to prevent the breaking of the covenant to love each other. That is what is unscriptural. And, I’ve been there, done that. I am both the product of a broken covenant and the producer of children from a broken covenant.
Love your bride or groom. And, be deserving of the love you receive.
KNOW WHO it is you are marrying.
And, prepare for who he or she will become down the road. And who YOU will become.
Think about it this way… if your bride or groom knows what they are really committing to by saying, “I DO,” they will be less inclined, and count the cost before deciding to say, “I NO LONGER DO,” or…. “Ummm, NOT SO MUCH ANY MORE….”
There…. it’s not too hard to agree on WHILE YOU ARE IN LOVE, and to GET IT IN WRITING WITH NOTARIZATION, is it??
Here’s why I made this recommendation (and I won’t even get into how expensive divorces are financially… there’s just way too much collateral damage in divorces, beyond the money issues, and asking the government court beast system to come to your aid and choose what’s fair in the distribution of assets, and responsibilities/debts):
When I researched how divorces are done today, here is what I found out… This is how it’s done, today. This is TYPICAL:
The WINNER TAKES ALL, NAME MY PORTION GAME:
The spouse who wants out calls the police and makes false allegations that the other parent abused them. Then, the one who was falsely accused spends the next many months fighting criminal charges. And, she (or he) who falsely accused becomes WINNER TAKES ALL!!! Do YOU know someone who got everything, and the spouse got nothing?? Well then, you can imagine what she (or he) did. She (or he) played dirty ball!! She (or he) LIED about her (or his) spouse, presented a false witness to get what she (or he) wanted…. EVERYTHING….
She (or he) gets the house, the kids, all the community property, and poor victim hubby (or wife) is lucky if he (or she) gets to keep his illusion of freedom.
Before you ever decide to get married….. If one party wants out, this is how WINNER TAKES ALL, NAME MY PORTION GAME is played. If you have one child who is six months old, and mommy wants out…. WOE is you. That’s deep, that’s tough…. but it’s real. I can only hope that when these kids get old enough to see these kinds of divorces going down they stop to wonder: What REALLY happened to dad and why did MOM get everything?…. But, let’s face it… a six month old is not going to have these kinds of questions. A 13 year old? A nine year old? that might be a whole ‘nother story….
My husband, Jonathan Matthew Wright is turned another year older today (2-22), and it’s been, now, three years since his three sons’ mother went to court and got her designer divorce, without Jonathan even being given notice the divorce was occurring. She simply will not let the children talk to their dad.
Evidently, from examining the court documents, she convinced her friend, the Judge, that her fear was Jonathan would come take their community property (that’s defined in the court documents and easily verified), so she needed a restraining order, (“and by the way, Judge, can I have the community property??”). She also eventually convinced the Judge, since she had gotten away with the whole divorce in her favor with Jonathan never served, that Jonathan wasn’t even safe for the children to speak with him, unless it was by way of paid supervised visitation once a month at a mental hospital in Louisiana. And, we lived in Utah…. and now in Hawaii. I feel the weight of Jonathan’s burden, and his heart of grief over the loss of the children born during his first marriage: Bailey Wright, Casey Wright, and Nolan Wright.
Children Are Victims Too!!
For all the parents who have lost their children by evil court systems, the serpent’s lair, please pray that the Father restore their children to these victimized parents, and that He defend these parents against the cunning deceptions and accusations of the enemy, as well as the damages of parental alienation on both the victimized parent and the children by the alienating parent. May the truth be set free. Please pray the truth is restored and defended.
How can we KIND ONES make a difference? We may see situations others are in… A mom raising her kids, without dad around (by her choice, not his… or vice versa… dad on his own with kids, but no mom in the children’s lives)…. I’ve seen grown kids have all kinds of chips on their shoulders, as well, when they don’t reach out and learn to love their parents and neither do they reach for restoration (in situations where it is safe to do so), or at least forgiveness… even IF they live with or near their parents.
I think whenever the Father puts a teen or young adult person in our lives, who is estranged from a parent that they have been kept from know anything about… it would be a great thing for us to encourage that young person to some day research their other parent. Encourage them to find out who their estranged parent really is, and what really happened: “Research it… Go look up the divorce court records and be a sleuth. At least honor the other person for who they are and what they tried to be and try to see their side of what happened…. The adult child or near adult child only got one side of the story, and it probably wasn’t the whole truth. It could have been… But, how could one know for sure?
Search for the truth ALWAYS.
Let YaHuWaH be true and every man a liar (if that is the way that it really is).“
Of course, not everyone has great parents. I’m not advocating anyone put up with abuse….. Yet, abuse comes in various forms, and the alienating parent who denies their children from their victimized parent is in a grievous sin that will come back to haunt him or her.
I think caution is necessary. For young people (and even older ones like I was), finding truth is not NECESSARILY going to be found in the documents from a court of LAW (though it sure was glaring out to me when I read Jonathan’s case). But, YaHuWaH’s RuWaCx can pave the way for reconciliation IF it should be made and WHEN it could be made.
And, at the very least, compassion and forgiveness, mercy and kindness could be extended from the child to the parent FOR THE CHILD’S OWN SAKE and also for the parent’s sake.
It is also great to know that YaHuWaH oversees all activities. I don’t know if my life would have been richer for having my dad in my life. But, it was enriched in the few times I spoke with him a few years ago.
Kids that have a parent like Jonathan are missing out by not reaching out to their victimized parent. They have TWO parents that love them. Why can’t their parents share the children? Only half belongs to each parent (at the most).
Maybe it’s easier for the parents as the children get older… But, I don’t know. I have one son that did not move to Hawaii with us, and it’s torment for me! I miss him so much!! But, at least I get to see him a couple of times a year, and I can talk to him any time. (What’s so hard about letting sons visit their parent a couple of times a year, or letting them talk with them via Skype? What are you afraid of, mom??)
SOME DAY….. MAYBE……
If it does get easier for the alienated parent, maybe it becomes bearable…. SOME DAY….. MAYBE…… The victim parent holds out hope that some day…. SOME DAY…. the child/children might try to reach out.
Jonathan’s two older sons are old enough to remember who their dad was. They can see who he is any time they want to. He does, after all, make himself very available ANY TIME they want to try to reach out to him. He has a youtube channel, and would love them to reach out. He has a phone number and an email. All they have to do is reach out on Facebook, even. And they can get in touch with him any time they would like to…… or even to their stepbrother or stepsister, who they have been in contact with.
They Only Know What They Are Told, But They May Start Figuring Things Out, Eventually:
As an adult child, who grew up experiencing this on the other side of that experience (the side of the child)… and seeing things differently than parents experience them… I only knew what I knew growing up… First of all, when I became an older adult, it dawned on me…. my parents were married when my mom and dad were 16 and 17. And, by the time they were 19 and 20, my dad had been to Viet Nam for two years, and my mom had two little girls. They were little more than babies, themselves, having babies.
What I grew up aware of was that my dad just wasn’t there. He was all but non-existent. And, my mom didn’t think his family was so respectable. I believe my mom thought my dad and his brothers turned out to be opportunists… and that my dad would NOT pay any child support to help raise us…. She had her feelings about him; I had mine. I always felt that I was a daddy’s girl, only I had no daddy.
Later, I visited my dad (about eight years ago). I observed that he seemed to be kind of a loner…. When I met him, I wondered if he might have some autism. Much of the two days I was there with him in his home, he was off in another room on his computer. I also found out he loved to cook, and he liked karaoke….
A Message to Bailey, Casey and Nolan from Your Dad’s New Family:
Bailey Wright, Casey Wright, Nolan Wright, whenever you find this… Your dad does not have autism. There’s not a day that goes by, I believe, that he is not deeply grieved that you were stolen from him. Please know you have an awesome dad. I live with him every day. He is an amazing man who serves the Creator every day. And, he’s fun. Maybe you remember that about him. He loves you and wants to be involved in your life, every day. I look forward to meeting you some day, and you’re welcome any time you want to come see your family in Hawaii…. all 9 of us!!